The support and kind words I’ve received about this new adventure were far more than I had ever imagined I might get after this announcement. THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart! Your words are priceless and the best reminder I could receive to reiterate to myself why I wanted to do all of this in the first place.
I’ve got several mental drafts of things I’d love to jump into, and honestly, I was happily overwhelmed thinking about where to start. My 10 week holistic nutrition class started a few weeks ago, and I anticipate my learning will result in a better ability to articulate some of the things I’d really love to post about. So for now I think it makes most sense to share a little bit more about my own personal health history. When I started this post, I had intentions of sharing how I got to where I am and what I’m practicing currently. Well, once I started writing about everything in between that I’ve experienced along the way, I just couldn’t stop. I think I needed to spend some time “unpacking” some of these things and it felt like I’d be rushing if I forced this to end sooner than what felt natural. So I didn’t get to what I’m currently doing in present day, but we’re getting there, slowly. Thanks for hanging with me.
This smile is the result of sitting in my aunt and uncle’s van on the way to South Dakota for our family vacation in 2003. I LOVED that stinking van! Cool lights, fancy curtains and a TV to play Mario Bros on?! That van was my happy place.
From early on in elementary school, I started to wear the identity of being a “chubby girl” (though a relatively healthy chubby girl with no other ongoing health conditions.) While I do remember some comments from my peers or older kids about my size, what I remember most is how much I noticed it myself. I started dance classes at the age of 4. Year after year, I would hear the numbers of my costume measurements be a larger number than my friends’, and I would subconsciously compare our bodies in the full length mirrors that covered entire walls of our studio. Those mirrors don’t lie about anything. I was bigger than my peers. But regardless, I actually had great self-esteem and confidence. I really think that was because of the way my parents spoke (well actually, didn’t speak) to me about my body. Not one time do I ever remember either of them making any comments about my size being unusual, unhealthy, or anything but perfect, while they simultaneously modeled a healthy diet and active lifestyle. And since their messages to me didn’t indicate anything otherwise, my internal messaging to myself didn’t either. At least not at first. I can’t really pinpoint a specific moment in time where this started to change. I suppose with age came an increasing awareness of what society tells us the ideal woman should look like, and an increasing concern that if I didn’t look like that, people (or should I say, boys) would consider me less than. I think this insecurity really intensified during college where I was immersed in an atmosphere that was all about going out on the weekends, who was hot, and who was hooking up with who. One thing I knew, is that I didn’t feel comfortable or confident in my own skin, and that’s when my mission to do everything I could to change my body began.
I remember seeing this picture of myself on Facebook and just honestly couldn’t believe that’s what I actually looked like. In my head, I didn’t look much different than when I had started college a year ago, but this photo sure told me otherwise.
My sophomore year of college I was the heaviest I had ever been in my life. The freshman 15 (or 20) is REAL, people. All the good buffet style dining hall foods, combined with being less active and consuming alcohol regularly, at 5’2 I wasn’t hiding anything about how the first year of college had treated me. My parents and I started a diet around the holidays that included meal replacement shakes twice a day, packaged snacks, fasting and cleansing. I lost nearly 20 pounds in roughly 12 weeks, and felt so much better about my body, but had no idea what to eat or how to work out once I stopped the program. Simply put, I didn’t know how to just “be healthy.” And the mindset among most college women (and perhaps maybe most women in general) trying to “get in shape” was to cut calories and do all the cardio. So I dabbled in both of those. I bounced around from shake to shake and calorie restriction, with several bouts of binge eating (and drinking) in between. After I graduated, I lived by myself out-of-state for roughly four months and took an interest in learning how to cook for myself. Though I was making somewhat healthy meals, I was restricting portions and calories like I was rationing my week’s worth of groceries to last a month, which lead to more binge eating. One year out of college in preparation for my wedding I started an intense weight training program that had me in the gym nearly an hour and a half every day and eating a TON of food that followed a macronutrient nutrition plan (specific amounts of protein, fat and carbohydrates) that result in a desired body composition (I was eating and training like I was preparing for a fitness competition.) My mindset at the time was “if it fits my macros, I’m going to eat it.” While I did eat some healthy things, I mostly ate unhealthy things, and just made sure I stayed within the numbers. I looked the best I ever had on the outside, but later I realized that didn’t simultaneously mean I was “healthy” on the inside. And of course, once the slow-paced summer that allowed me to devote so much time to the number crunching and working out had come to an end, I had no idea how to maintain what I was doing in the “real world.” And for nearly the next year after that, which was the first year of our marriage, I basically threw all caution to the wind in terms of my health. Living with someone who was very athletic in high school and ate whatever he wanted with little (visible) consequences, it was really hard for me to not eat what he was eating: cereal, chips, ice cream, and all the packaged things.
While starting our life together was one of the most exciting times in our lives, it also turned into the unhealthiest year of my life to date. I remember having zero energy, coming home from work around 5:30 and taking a nap most evenings. I would wake up having no idea what I’d make us for dinner, eating junk followed by ice cream and staying up late watching TV living in denial that the next morning would inevitably come and we’d repeat the same 9-5 day over. I’d hit snooze until I absolutely had to get up, would frantically throw myself together and chug coffee just to make it through the day. I remember thinking, “This is just how life is. This is what everyone does so I guess it’s just time to follow suit.” (Important lesson: you don’t ever have to do anything just because it’s what the majority of people around you are doing.) Though I didn’t have the words to describe what was happening at the time, I was also suffering from symptoms of anxiety and depression, not sleeping well and kind of unraveling at the seams. Throw in the additional factor of oral contraceptives and I just didn’t even know who I was some days. This wasn’t me, and I didn’t like how this version of myself felt. But I didn’t know how to change it.
Right around the time this photo was taken, my hair dresser mentioned that my hair was abnormally brittle and that I was losing a LOT of it when she washed my hair. She said when this happened to her, she was struggling with a hormonal imbalance. Another warning sign that something just wasn’t right.
I decided it was time to go to the doctor. I had a well woman’s exam scheduled and at the appointment the nurse asked me several questions about my physical and mental health. I told her things that I hadn’t really said out loud to anyone. I don’t exactly remember what she asked, or what I said in response, but I was trying in the best way I could to tell her I didn’t feel right (without saying I had symptoms of anxiety and depression). I had also consulted Dr. Google enough to know that some of my symptoms were associated with various thyroid conditions, which run on both sides of my family. I mentioned that I’d like to have it checked. After nearly a 20 minute consultation, the gynecologist then came in introduced herself, felt me up as part of all the preventative procedures and said, “We’ll check your thyroid, but it should be fine.” As she took her gloves off after my thorough two minute exam, she had the audacity to remind me to wear my seat belt as car accidents are the leading cause of death for women my age and then walked out the door. Gee, thanks? It was a very discouraging appointment that left me feeling unheard and even more like no one understood what was going on with my body, including me. A family friend recommended a doctor at Mosaic Life Care. He asked me questions like how much activity I got, what kind of food I was eating, and did blood work for a number of things he felt like might be causing my current state. After my results came in, the diagnosis was that I had a vitamin D deficiency (which can cause depression) and in hindsight I’m certain that stripping my diet of healthy sources of fat and eating excess processed carbohydrates were the two biggest factors contributing to my deficiency. Though some of these appointment details may seem like unimportant minutia, I felt it very important to include them in case anyone reading this has experienced (or is currently experiencing) something similar at your appointments. If you feel like something is wrong with your body, trust your gut. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel stupid for thinking something isn’t right. YOU know yourself better than anyone. It may take multiple trips to various physicians, but be persistent and advocate for yourself until someone not only listens to you, but hears you and takes all steps necessary to help you.
Once I started taking a Vitamin D supplement, my energy improved, and I was feeling better mentally. I decided it was finally time to work on my body, again. All I truly wanted was to be healthy, inside and out. But I was SO damn discouraged. Every time I had tried this before, I failed. I was so afraid of failing yet again. It sounded easier to just accept my “chubby girl” identity and keep eating as many chocolate chip cookies as I wanted. And it also seemed easier to just tell myself that I could eat the cookies because I loved myself and was happy with my body the way it was. But the problem was – I wasn’t happy. (More to come later on me still eating cookies, but how my mindset about that has changed. And that if you really do love yourself, you don’t fuel your body with an excessive amount of cookies.)
My biggest motivator in doing this for myself? That beautiful, white dress hanging in the back of my closet. After we got married, I always said that I wanted to take pictures in our wedding attire on each anniversary as a keep sake. But I knew that if I dared to try it on at the time of our first anniversary, there was no way it would fit and furthermore I certainly wouldn’t want to take a photo in it. Though I told myself I didn’t have time, had more important things to focus on like our marriage, our house and my job, etc. I recommitted to my health at the beginning of 2017 and haven’t looked back since. Just like every other time I had got “back on the wagon,” it was because initially I wanted to change my appearance. But this time, even after my appearance had changed, my healthy habits became a lifestyle that’s continued to evolve over the past year and a half, and I’m not still doing all of this just to look good.
Well With LB 